Triggered…

It’s been over a year, I know. But I’m back now. It’s the final third of the year 2019, and if you’re anything like me, you’re probably excited to see this awful year come to an end, and have already started planning for 2020 (yes, seriously). With such times comes the need for self reflection and introspection. Was 2019 really as awful as I say it was? What wins have I secured? In which areas of my life have I grown? What new good habits have I adopted? And so on and so forth.

Before I launch into this piece, a disclaimer: I have been a good person this year, but I have also been a terrible person. I have used so many excuses to explain my behaviour, rarely taking full responsibility for my actions. So really, this piece is a personal one, and if you relate, that’s cool, and if you don’t, that’s absolutely fine as well.

I’ve been trying to “focus on myself” a lot lately. Eliminating all things, people, spaces etc that I felt were toxic to my own energy. I became so obsessed with “protecting my peace” that I’ve grown a little too sensitive. Suddenly, a lot of things offend me. I find myself, and I cringe as I say this, triggered by absolutely anything. I’m almost always on guard, very cynical and super defensive. However, that “rational” part of me still exists, thank God, and I’ve found myself taking a step back to really analyse this person I’ve become. I’ve been so focused on “doing me” that I’ve neglected people. My current WhatsApp status tells people to not expect quick responses. Some messages I’ve started to archive because I can’t be bothered to reply and the red number on WhatsApp has started to make me feel anxious. I still have messages from early August that I haven’t read nor responded to. My reason? I’ve got so much going on. Oh?

In my humble opinion, this whole “focus on yourself” narrative, while super useful in getting you focused up, can easily become negative if not managed well because first of all, no man is an island, and secondly, it gives individuals an excuse to not be accountable within their relationships with friends, family, lovers, etc. I am so guilty of this, and I’d like to fix that. The interesting part is when said individual is done “finding themselves”, they then want to reconnect with society, but society did not take a pause to allow them to get their act together. In fact, they are welcomed with casualties of their poor communication and neglect, and all other responsibilities they evaded. They return with a tail between their legs, a first aid kit in one hand and a bucketful of soapy water in another, trying to clean up the mess they left.

So, how can one fix themselves without alienating themselves from people who do rely on them, people they will eventually “need” again once they’re done? How does one manage that alongside other responsibilities that don’t magically disappear simply because they’re fixing other areas of their life? How does one ensure they don’t grow too self-absorbed that whatever they do has to serve them first and foremost? How does one ensure they protect their peace and avoid being manipulated, but also show up for people expecting nothing in return? It’s a fine line between focusing on self and becoming selfish. Don’t trample on people who care for you in your “pursuit of happiness”. In fact, don’t trample on people full stop. Learn to say what you mean, even if it’s hard for you as a person. How can you grow if you don’t challenge yourself or come out of your comfort zone?